Thursday, March 5, 2015

We are born stupid & die stupid too!


We are born stupid & die stupid too! Yet, we try to live an extremely intelligent & a smart life pretending overflowing confidence. Within this life span, some have tried to extend it ( trying to find the Stone), some have tried to cut it short ( suicide bombers), some have gone to the Moon ( tired of their wives at home), some have dug the Earth ( woke up the sleeping ancestors, look I got Napoleon's head!) & some have tried their best to control the others, peace-war makers ( Without me, this earth won't exist).
As we were all busy watching "Others" in action, we did not have time to think about the absurdity of our lives;
Therefore, we simply need to write them down & laugh about it.

I have thought, done & heard quite absurd & hilarious things in my life, here is a very small list.

1. I have tried to be a Mermaid by tying my legs together from a shoe lace & wearing a bed sheet around my legs. Then I tried to roll, moaned a bit, but I only felt like a serpent may be because there was no water around. Then I have tried to be an indigeneous leader, only wearing a towel around the hips, but later in life I have given that up because guys react differently to that. Women leader or what?

2. Being a kid, I firmly believed that Cricket matches were played inside the television & I avoided any untimely death hit by a ball staying too close. When no one was around, I examined secretly the jack hole & the antenna wire expecting my favourite cricketer to appear, but he never turned up! When I was five I did not know the name Santa in English, I screamed aloud Fanta, Fanta in a carnival in Colombo imitating the other kids, he threw away the small gifts at us, I only managed to collect a handful of pebbles & tears in my eyes.

3. In my attempt to be kind to animals, I have somewhat helped a lady grasshopper to deliver a baby. I consoled her when she was crawling on the glistening tiled floor with a baby about to come out, gave her a bit of water to soothe her labour pains, then I quit home for classes & returned home to find the cute little baby; instead, she had left a poop not a baby,she was actually constipated. In  another situation, I felt sad about a stray cat, wanted to give him a bath & rescue him from the misery, but it scratched me and ran away. I still wonder what the cat thought about me.

4. In France, I was surprised to see Casinos in every small town, never dared to set foot in there ( being a buddhist, we nevr play with money!) till I found later that it was a supermarket chain. Similarly, at Boulanger I could never buy bread but computers & Orange never gave me a glass of juice but a telephone bill! land of contrast, I would say.

5. Once, my friend's car broke down in a car parking at night, I immediately asked the help from an old street vendor who was at the entrance. He smiled innocently & said:
Miss, I don't have one hand!
Another time, I offered a lunch packet to a man sitting on a wall by the sea side in Marine drive, Colombo, he scolded me:
"Do you think I am a beggar, I own all the shops in this area pointing at the luxury shops" I nearly cried.

6. Being an ambassador to oriental medicine, I gave a hot burning Tiger balm to a foreign guy to clear his nose from phlegm, but a bit later he started to scream as he had touched "a place" that should not be touched with tiger balm! Putainnn!

7. Then, I met this super intelligent mathematician- scientist who eats Algebra for breakfast, Computer codes for lunch, analysis on Mars for tea time, Artificial plastic vaginas for Dinner who confessed me quite timidly that he was genetically modified by inserting a chip to his nose when he was abducted by Aliens at the age of 14. He asked me to watch out for Aliens as they can now come to take me away too. Since I was very kind, I listened to him & I even encouraged him to build an airplane run by water. I went to the hardware store to buy the " stuff" for a model airplane. I liked the enthusiasm in people, even if it's to fly with out wings.

8. I lost faith in cosmetics & all beauty related products due to many incidents. Once my beloved father had applied hair removal cream Veet to his hair just before going for a wedding, He said he didn't have time to read the word "removal" . Then, I met this rich looking English couple at Mono prix, who said loudly, Oh, this Mono prix is so cheap. She did not like to see any product below 50 euros! Then, there was another beautiful lady who was talking to a mirror, I liked the way she expressed herself.

9. Recently at the Jewellery section the sales assistant who was very tired of convincing me for one hour:
Miss, you should buy these earrings, your ears look perfect on this! 
What? Ears? What made you say so? Because they look big! (She’s very observant, I have never thought about the size of ears) Now, I rethink before going to the lingerie section.

10. The yuckiest yet the most adorable thing was when a four year old white boy who I used to babysit during my uni days, insisted to lick my brown coloured feet saying, it's chocolate!!!! MMMM. If only his parents knew that their cute little white angel tasted yummy sri lankan chocos!

Finally, I tried to do high jumping in juniour school, I did jump it like one does hurdling, my brain kind of disloacted, since then.....

Have you been any good?

By Jahooli Devi

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