Dear J,
After having deleted your mobile number, your messages, your photos, your e-mails every single word that reminds me of you, I felt so empty today.
After having promised to myself thousand times, even though thousand is just an imaginary number, that I would never write to you again, knowing you would not reply me, I started to write to you again shamelessly.
I don't write to impress you, not to win sympathy, not to complain, not to appreciate, I just write to tell things as how I feel. I don't mind whether they are total confessions of insanity.
But, I am enraged when you don't reply to me, when you just ignore my love letters. But, then again if you reply to me always, I will not feel the same for you, perhaps I would be bored very soon, bored like Madame Bovary!
I don't know anything about you, whether you are a serial killer, a blood sucking vampire or just a monkey. I don't want to question each & every detail, because if I knew every thing, I would loose the interest. Let me find about you slowly, like one does a research project, I am hired, by you! But, I felt so comfortable with you always, perhaps we must have met in a previous birth, when you were a monkey, when I was a lady monkey, we might have had some fruits together, sitting on a mango tree, making strange noises and looking at each other, grinning & scratching heads. Now does this sound so romantic to you?
It just hurts me so badly when you did not turnup as promised the other day. I was kind of over excited about your visit, could not sleep a wink but was winking all the time & when it was cancelled in the last moment my whole world collapsed, I could not put myself together. I was in a rage to burn you at a stake, rip the flesh out from you , grind and make sausages or make spicy human flesh curry with burning chilli powder.
Oh God, but I have a stupid heart, I even laughed and talked with you as if nothing has happened when you called me.
"Yeah, it is all right,fine,fine,hugs! , Have a nice flight"
Yes, you are Forgiven with a capital F but I don't Forget things again with a capital F. I am a human tape recorder, I would use my tapes whenever I want to provide examples.I know it is so unfair to expect from you when you have such important things to do such as caring your knee or catch the flight.
Now back to the present.
You, J, the intruder of my sleep, I should be sleeping by now but you come to my head often and it annoys me! Today, I wanted to tear your white tee-shirt and kiss all your tattoos on the chest! Then, scrub hard all your tattoos with my lips & make them disappear.
Rub, Rub, Rub.
You, J, you are killing my sleep like in Mcbeth :
Sleep no more! J is murdering sleep.
Innocent sleep. Sleep that soothes away all my worries.
Sleep that carries me to dream land of LOVE.
Sleep that relieves the weary lover and heals hurt minds.
Sleep, the main course in life’s feast, and the most nourishing.
Oh, poor sheep, you shall sleep no more!
With swollen eyes, I search for a paper among the piles of notes & books, a tiny piece of paper, a paper which I have written your number . In desperation, I crawl under the bed where lies the the treasures of the whole universe.
Yes! found!
Perhaps I call you tomorrow, I don't have a shame because you are mine & I take Great care of what is Mine.
Yours,
♥ Possessive J ♥
Dear J,
You know darling, I analyse you, your heart without you telling me a single thing about you. I came across many interesting but weird things which make you someone like this today. You are great and good, but you try to destroy things, hurt people who love you. I don't want to change a single thing in you ( that's the common phrase!) I just tell you things because I only like to see the beautiful person in you, who is hiding all the time because of cruelty. I want you to come up with your talents, a singer, a linguist or whoever, you never tell me your dreams, you don't ask me what I can do for you, because you don't know that I would be there to make your dreams come true.
Instead, you prefer to stay silent and make me beg infront of you.( Did I ? ) We don't live million years. At 80, if I can't think of the good things I did, the good memories I gave to people, the good memories they gave me back, I will be a total failure.
I am not blindly in love, I love you with eyes open, to see the drama, to see how you treat me. I believe in love, even if hundred guys ignore me and treat me as sick, I will always believe in love.
Love to heal your soul, love NOT me, love someone else if you wish, express yourself, my Darling...
By the way,
I am building a beautiful house for both of us in the mountains, eventhough you didn't mention that you would stay with me there. I have already designed our house with an orange coloured cozy living room for reading, full of flowers, a separate area for you to practice guitar( you decide the colour, it's black? ) , blue coloured guest room for friends, a green coloured kitchen for our food fantasies, pink coloured bathroom with trees, a red coloured bed room with candles! It is the greatest architectural failure ever, but still it is my house, our house, we will rock!
Coming back to you, why are you trying to be rare? Why do you want me to suffer by not contacting me regularly? I always justified you thinking it was your job. No, It's not your JOB, it's a stupid excuse you created, its not your job it's You. It is hurting you what I say but I miss u damnly.
Let me flatter you a bit. With your curls coming back, you are getting hotter and hotter. But, it's not the looks that count my baby. When you are 60, you will loose your set of teeth and then when you kiss they will fall too! Think.
I would be glad to see your real soul. It needs effort, go for it if you want to be happy & then if you want to be happy with me & then If I am to be happy with you.
Yours
♥ Waiting-for-miracles J ♥
Dear J,
I am disappointed, totally disappointed. I thought to write you a one last letter with a request.
I have this request, a very little one. Please don't come to meet me again, send me any mails or answer my calls even if I tempt you to do so. My heart is slowly accepting that you don't love me, that I should not go after a man who does not love me back. You are right, absolutely right. I am being very irresponsible & crazy lately. It really hurts & painful but after a while I think it would heal.
When you say you are coming to meet me at the end of the month, hope of love is still there, and it tortures me, so it is better not to see you again in my life because it will shatter me again, to bits & pieces.
I don't understand why you preferred to make simple things in life so complicated & made me suffer just because I love you. Now, I understand that I am not the woman of your life & I can't do anything about it, sincerely I can't change myself.
I will write to you some nonsense for a while, you can ignore them as you do now. It will help me to release my pain.
I am deeply hurt because I tried to love you even with out you asking for it, I enjoyed my love, it inspired me to write poetry, it was a beautiful feeling for me. But, may be we are not meant to be with each other. I don't believe in fate, I only believe in the ability of people to make a difference in their lives making an effort, from bad to good, even in Love.
Love should be steady, it is not like a part time job, I am not here to give you lessons on love, it should come within you. It is never forced, I wrote you many love letters yet you never replied to any of them. Yes, they are silly, they don't carry any serious meaning, yet they are so precious to me , so precious than my life. My love letters will stay with me, I won't burn them, others will read them too, so there is a memory of our love, somewhere in this world eventhough our love is not there any more.
I ask you not to come, because I know when I see you, I will forget everything & forgive you and then when you go away again, it is I who will have to suffer again & again because of your indifference. Therefore, You don't have to come to see me, let things pass. Time will allow me to forget you.
I sincerely wish that we would be lovers again but, I can't love alone and be a joker at the end of the day ( yeah, I take love bit seriously because I want it, I can't say that I don't want love from you , it is the truth)
There is a cycle for things, that you must have changed the plans in your life, I don't ask why
I stopped asking WHY to many questions & your behaviour does not surprise me at all.
I don't like professional Good byes , I don't have courage for those things.
So yeah, baby, take care always.
That's all; I don't have to write everything.
Have a nice life.
I don't wait for anyone, not even for YOU, again in my life.
Good Bye my soft lover,
Yours
♥ Heart Broken J ♥
