Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Future bride

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Dear X,

I thought to write to you because I am too overwhelmed by a wonderful news I heard today! I don't know your name, I only know you are an African & you live in London. Africa is a continent & London has a clock tower, this extra information I found all by myself!
The important news I heard was that you would be the woman of my lover. He did not mention a date though. That piece of information was enough. More than enough, I would say.

Congratulations, you won him ( scratch) you have already won him, he told that he knew you for 14 years with a lot of pride. I forgot to applaud, would do willingly if I ever meet him on the streets. I felt bad because I knew him only for one year, actually I met him less than ten times, so, you don't have to worry about it. He is very faithful, only ten times (if I counted correctly), we met suddenly at midnight on the road to my house. I don't think he planned to visit my house at all. If it was planned, then it 's a crime according to law, I guess.

I am writing to you because there is so much joy over flowing inside me. Flooded.

I did some calculations.  If he knew you for 14 years it means, he must have kissed you when I was 12. I have not even attained puberty when he made love to you ! Goodness, when he said that I was not the woman of his life,he was damn right.  Perhaps I could be the daughter of his life, if he wants to adopt me.

Forget it, there are some interesting findings about him that you might like to know. He falls sick, always on medical leave. Are you a nurse by profession? If not think wise my dear. Do you want to take care of a man who is a patient all the time, I think you should go out & enjoy your life. I already felt sorry for you, that's why I am telling all these. Whereas me, I have a professional training on traditional medicine , so it's quite easy for me to take care of him when he falls sick, so just hand him over to me, even though it is very annoying. I don't want him at all, but we can't just throw him in to the bins like a rotten potato.

And then , he loves cakes, from butter cake chocolate cakes , carrot cakes or what ever cakes, show him a cake, he would just jump on it. Think about it sweet lady, are you going to spend the rest of your life baking cakes for him ? I am just pointing out these stuff just to show that you should think deeply. As a woman it's very important to think before a marriage. In my case, I bake cakes quite often, so I would be able to feed him a cake & put to sleep, its not a big issue, because I like cakes anyways.

There is a very serious issue, he walks on ropes, seriously ! Do you want a man who walk on ropes like monkeys who would fall to the river beneath full of crocodiles? Are you kidding me ? I don't think you deserve the life of a widow on mourning clothes because of him ; just give up on him. I am seriously worried about you. Black is my favourite colour though.

I almost forgot to tell you that he does not bathe, in his noble effort to save the water for your nation! He stinks like a skunk. He is quite proud of that for no reason. Why don't you think of perfumed men in full suits ? This fellow has quick showers , wear torn clothes. How could your mom be proud of your man?There is nothing fishy here! Well, I kind of collect antiques, my nose is not that sensitive,water is very precious too.

Think wise lady, he does not have hair on the head, he is getting bold day by day. You who must be really good looking, how can you walk proudly with a bold headed man ? Very soo, you can replace your mirror to his shiny thing.They would also call him an egg. What a shame for you ! I, myself like to eat eggs for no special reason. I can't understand why.

By the way, what sort of dress you are planning to wear for your wedding? Tube dress? Or just leaves? Thinking about your potential wedding, I get goosebumps. Is it from too much happiness? I shake too & then bit of tears come out too. I feel like singing now, I should wait till the big day.
Weddings are quite expensive these days, save yourself from that extra burden. I mean if you don't get married you can save some money to rent a room at Buckingham Palace. Sometimes, I have awesome ideas like that for others. Free advises.
I also thought about a wedding present for you when I was watching a documentary on nuclear bombs. I would be glad to keep that surprise.

Anyways, I am just so happy for you & I can only wish you a lot of happiness & prosperity for a wonderful family life one day. Don't babies cry a lot? I feel awful  when they cry at night. How would you manage? I am a baby sitter , such qualities I got!

It is such a wonderful feeling that you two will be together oneday. I can be the happiest on earth to see that, you know real women are like that, pardoning, forgiving & forgetting, wishing but the best always. Ah, I almost forgot to tell you. Do you know that he gave me a blue diamond ? Don't ever be jealous, it is not good for health. In case, if you haven't got one, you better ask him. I don't know why he gave it to me. You should ask that from him too. Bit of useless information.
I can always wish your happiness it is very important to me your happiness as I am so peace loving. By the way, he gave me a gold bracelet too. I know it is just a bracelet, you should not be too worried about it at all. If you are sad, I would give it to you, so you can wear it when you are single one day.

I am a very busy person, but I thought to write theses lines for you because I can't drink champagne all alone while celebrating this precious news. He is one hell of a asshole darling whom I cherish in the bottom of my heart. Won't you two make a lovely pair? Should I really care? Can't we share? Will you dare?

No, no, no.

As I am wishing you a wonderful wedded life one day with My Darling, would you also come to my wedding with My Darling if you are ever invited?

RSVP.

Yours,
Well-wisher,
X





By Jahooli Devi

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