My Painful heart

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I always thought I deserved better in everything. But most of the time I was not that much lucky to have anything. Although things happened like that, my heart was not ready to accept that reality, so I was always trying to achieve anything even if it’s so hard or painful. But eventually, I was drained of the energy to hold on.

Every time I was with her, I wondered who I was to her. Sometimes, I thought I was just her friend. Friends, after all, would make some sort of effort to catch up with each other. But, I was more likely her assistant. When she needed me for something, she wanted my assistance, that’s all she wanted from  me. But, whenever she wanted my attention, help or kindness I did it with the bottom of my heart. If she had a broken heart, I was nearby her to fix it. I was so happy to do that. If she missed the classes, or had any difficulties about the projects, I was helping her without doing my own work. Sometimes, she was mumbling her, feelings and emotions via telephone. I only listened to them, I never did let her know that my feelings or emotions about anything. It’s because, I thought she might be fed up with my things. So… I cried at the other end of the phone, instead. But I tried to make her up and I was always telling, everything going to be Ok for her. I always keep my interest about her as a secret. I never gave any clue that I liked her very much. I never made any effort to ask her out. I wanted to flirt with her, badly but I never.  I wanted her to feel I was the boy she was looking for.

When she was flirting with other boys, I cried hard in my heart and kept my patience. Finally,  I thought to create a distance between us and go away from her life. But, after few days again, she came and asked my help and my kindness. So, again my hope kindled. But after sometime same thing happenned again. This was circulating through out the past three years. Eventually I realized that she was not for me. I managed not to look at her. I skipped the most of the moments that I should be with her. When she rang my phone, I ignored it and concentrated my mind for some other activity. 

At the end, my University life was also ending up. Now time has passed almost for six months. She did n't phone me anymore. She didn’t ask about me, even from a friend of mine. I was pretty sure that she did not miss me.  She might have forgotten my existence, simple . When I think about all this, deeply, it feels so hurt in my heart that she totally forgot me in her heart. But at the same time I realized that she never gave any satisfaction for me but the pain. It was the truth. It’s always hard to believe this painful truth for my heart.

 
By Manu Fernando