Snow Princess

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I just moved out from my apartment. I really don't know where to go. But I want to kill this night too, like any other nights. My heart is so heavy. I know, it’s filled with of emptiness. It’s almost getting dark around. So, I walk through this side walk around and around so blindly, everyday again and again. I don’t want to stop nearby anything. I see the street lights so blurredly; I thought it’s due to the snow fall.  This Snow reminds me a lot about you and me. I used to call you as my “Snow Princess”. You, soft and beautiful like white snow fall. You are the like the snow angel sent from heaven along with magic dust of snow flakes.

I cared for you.  I protected you.  But I was never able to wake you up from a “kiss”. Other Princes come and give kisses and awake you up. Then again, when you  are tired with them you come to me and sleep with me without a fear. Of course…. I protect you no matter what; you can rely on me without any fear. That’s why I am there.      

“Once, I remembered, you merely hold my finger and walk with me on a snowy byway. Suddenly you were going to fall because of a slippery tile. And I  and hold you, putting my arms around your waist. I may stock to you for seconds, may be more.  Really, I couldn’t realize what was happening.  You got my hands off so quickly and jumped off, then stared me. I saw that your face began to frown.”

I know you never wanted to think of me. It’s not your fault, I guess. It’s my miserable life.

Still remember just like yesterday, the day you fought and broke up with your previous boy friend Chris (the long hair guy), you came for me and cried the whole day. You hit my shoulders and cried, cried...Until your voice gets hoarseness, you cried.   You fall upon me and shed tears until my shirt wet with tears. When you fall upon my shoulders, even I felt your hearts ticking.  But I know, you never know that I cried too, each and every time you cry. I wanted to cry like a little boy, to release my pain, always. But I never can do that, in front of you.

Then after four months again, you were felling love with “Marlon” the Tattooed guy. He never cares about you either. But you were fascinating about him.  Sometime you didn't give me at least a call for two three weeks and stick to him. I’m really happy though, coz, you are happy. But few months later, again you broke up with him and came to me. I was there for you, as always. So…again… you told lot about you and your dreams. I was not in any dream of you. Even you never remind my name, in your dream, at least as a friend. I realized how miserable I am. But I never wanted to leave you either from your friendship. It’s like though flowers were picked, still tree to blooms flowers.  Though you did hurt me so much, I never wanted to leave you. 

I never fed up for caring you.  You always wanted me as a good friend who cares about you. But always I wanted more than that. I wanted to care about you as my sweet love, I wanted to make you happy in every minute, make you laugh, to take your soul to higher ground . I wanted to see your face every minute; I wanted to hear your voice every minute.

Oh..Gosh…my heart is full of love about you. But how I’m gonna tell you? I know I never gonna tell you. Cos’ you want me as your best friend.  Day by day, I was falling love with you so deeply. Day by day I got deeper feelings about you. Coz’ you always brought me the happiness. The courage, the hope to live, but…. not love, never.

I feel a warm feeling on my eye lid. Realized my eyes are filled with tears.  I just wipe my eyes with my glove.  Then I put my hands in to pocket in the over-coat, and walk again. I pass many people, buildings, vehicles, but I feel them all so unreal. It seems, I came from mars.

It's all like a dream and now it’s a tragedy for me, that dream is over too, but I never will forget the days we spend together. Sometimes I feel you are walking with me and laughing beside me.  Then I thought to myself, “What can I change to get you in to my life?” I know it’s impossible. I can’t control anything. Even my own life.  

It’s almost 11.00pm. I don’t have any reason to go to my apartment back. I sat on a bench. What I suppose to do now?  Again…I remember one time I asked her that…

“I like to see you dress in a “Black color sleeveless mini gown”.

Then she smiled and nodded.

One day, she wore black color mini frock and came to see me with a smile. That was wonderful; she was an angel to me. I felt very lucky to have her nearby me. On that day we went out for a dinner too. And we danced too. That incident really made me happy. Though you always belong to someone else, you made me happy sometime. I always wanted to be with you at anyhow.

Life went so fast, and the day came, that you told me, you gonna marry “Lim”.

I asked “lim”?

“Who is that?”

That’s your new lover…you really loved him, you told me that he is the one for you, and the perfect guy for you. this time you gonna marry him too. So after three days you left me, to marry him.

I merely searched the upper pocket in my overcoat and found your birthday card which sent to me, it says,

“Happy birth day “Liyan”…I’m sending wishes for your 58^th birthday with Hugs and kisses!!!” 

I know…my heart, and shoulders are there for you, whenever you need them. Coz’ I’m your protector, and the guardian until you find your next lover.

By Manu Fernando.